Just thinking today about how convenient the internet is. Twenty years ago, I'd have to look up info in an encyclopedia or go without knowing. Thankfully I had my then-boyfriend around for movie questions...just a quick call and I'd know the name of the director or actor I was thinking of. But nowadays, I can just pop on the internet, and most likely I'll have an answer. I wanted to know if I had to memorize formulas for the MCAT...pop onto Google, ask the question, and "boom" I now know that I won't really need to do that. Yay! Of course, it's always tougher in the car. I don't want to use the cellphone there, so I'm constantly repeating to myself the thing I thought of and want to know the answer to so the minute I park I can pop on and look up the answer. The pros and cons of today's communication.
In the meantime, I'm looking for work daily, but not finding too much. Still hoping for that "perfect" job, but willing to take just about anything with benefits that lets me still go to school. And still fighting off the depression that wants to take hold...
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Diagnosis: Depression
Well, it's been awhile, but I'm going to try to keep up on this at least once a week.
This will get me mostly up-to-date as of January, 2012. A new discovery:
I have depression. It tends to flair up after very justified crises, but it hits hard and fast when it does. As each crisis hits, I got a little more “down” until I finally hit my bottom.
Twice before (divorce, job loss), I was depressed enough that I took an antidepressant until I felt well enough to go off of it and continue my life without depression. But all it took was one more crisis to throw me back into the depths of sadness.
For the most part, I’ve not quite been myself for the last couple years. I’ve performed as an actress in a few fantastic shows, gotten involved in bicycling when I was unemployed, and then found a job as an associate merchant for a hardware store. I thought that last one was a good thing. But my mind played tricks on me.
Setting the stage: I wanted to be a professional actress since I was in first grade. I majored in acting in college, moved to Los Angeles, and went to acting school. While I did not break into professional acting, I did do well on my “day job” working as a merchandising assistant in the toys department of a large company and loved the idea of staying in merchandising and getting to be the merchant who gets to choose which toys to make and put on shelves each quarter. Sadly, the company I was working for was sold to another company, and this new company moved me over to the sourcing department as a production manager. I made sure the toys were made on time and to the right specifications and reported directly to the buyer. There was no creativity in this job, and I tried repeatedly to move to a different area where I could be more creative. I thought that talking with the HR department would be a “team work” thing where a good employee could have assistance in switching to a new department. I guess I was wrong.
The problem was that I was very good in my job as a production manager. I ended up moving to the the table top and home decor department and helped train all the other production managers. I was the computer super-user, and several buyers mentioned they’d love to have me as their production manager. And when the company was sold again, back to the original company, I was so excited to be moving there where I thought I’d have those opportunities again. Instead, because of my previous discussions with HR about switching departments, I was part of the first wave of employees laid off in the game of merging companies.
So after trying to find work in a difficult economy and moving back home with my mom to save some money on unemployment, I finally got a job as an associate buyer in the merchandising department at a hardware store. I thought I’d get to do what I’d wanted to do back in the old company and learn to be a merchant. Instead, I realized this company offered no real training. They just throw you in and hope you learn. I did pretty well with this, thought I was certainly frustrated. I also realized I was not as passionate about hardware as I was for toys or housewares. But I worked my butt off when we opened a new store, staying as late as I needed to and killing my feet walking on the cement floors all day trying to load the store shelves in the two-and-a-half weeks we’d been given before opening. About two weeks after opening, I was told the company was removing the position of associate buyer, and I had a choice to take a demotion to a merchandising assistant position or leave the company. In this economy, I knew I could not quit my job. All my friends and family echoed this sentiment. But I had one last hope: I had applied for a position in the new global sourcing department. Sourcing was now my area of confidence as I’d been doing that for the last four years of my last job. I felt confident that I could get this job, a promotion from the associate position I was being forced to leave.
While all of this job upheaval was going on, I was also dealing with a good friend, my ex-husband, as he spent a year in a manic and depressive state. He attempted suicide twice, and I tried to pull him out of his depression with little success. And right around the time of his second attempt, another friend of mine succeeded in committing suicide. By this time, with my demotion in sight, my depression hit hard and I, too, was feeling suicidal. After a month of dealing with the sadness, I finally saw my doctor and got back on that antidepressant. One thing he said to me was that if I ever felt imminently suicidal, that I should go to the hospital emergency room and tell them so. He asked me to promise him this. I did, but I figured the antidepressant would do its work.
All was not well. It takes a month or so for the medicine to take hold, and in that month I held out hope for that promotion. Then, on a Friday in early November of 2011, I found out that another assistant was leaving and they wanted me to take over her work in addition to mine until they found a replacement. So now I was making less money, had no feelings of accomplishment, and I was supposed to do two jobs. That same day I was told I did not get the promotion as they wanted someone who’d actually travelled to China before. Also, there were still three people working as associate buyers, so obviously they had not gotten rid of the position. But no one ever told me if I did anything wrong. Indeed, they told me I did a great job. But why the demotion?
That weekend passed quickly. I considered taking up an addiction to drugs or alcohol, as other family members have dealt with in the past and present. But my logical mind said that would be worse. I would spend money I didn’t have and feel much worse in moments of clarity. So a slow death by drugging myself was out of the question.
By Monday morning, I was completely distraught. Everyone told me I couldn’t quit. But I couldn’t go in to work, either. I could not put one step over the threshold of my job. I had one thought only: suicide. I was stuck in a job I hated; I no longer felt accomplished in a diminished position; I was making less money so the idea of eventually owning a new car and a new home seemed further away than ever and were a weak attempt of replacing the dream of an acting career, anyway. I had a plan in my head that I would go out to a beautiful hiking spot, very high up, and have a few moments of flight before ending it all. I also knew that I would not do an “attempt” as I’d spend years of anguish living with my ex-husband’s threats and attempts at suicide, and I didn’t want to put my family through that roller coaster.
The good news is that I followed my doctor’s advice. Instead of driving to work that Monday morning, I drove myself to the hospital and told them I had a suicidal plan. It was quiet in the emergency room that morning, and they took me right in. I was asked a bunch of questions for intake. I cried a lot. I was given my own box of tissues and taken back to a bed in the emergency room. A guard was brought in to the outside door of the room to be sure I didn’t hurt myself. They asked me if I had anything dangerous on me, but I had only brought my keys, cell phone, and wallet. So they didn’t have me change out of my clothes, but just let me rest there in the room, with occasional stops in for things like getting my blood to make sure I had no alcohol in my system.
While sitting there on the bed and ruminating about my fate in life and how I had nothing to look forward to, I texted my mother to let her know I was “fine” but in the hospital. Not the best way for me to go about it as I think she still panicked a bit. She drove straight there to be with me while we waited to hear from the doctor. I felt her support more than ever that morning. And, indeed, my whole family rallied round via phone calls and texts. It helped to feel the love.
After a few hours in the hospital, they decided I was dealing well enough that I could be discharged, so I went home with explicit instructions to call the PHP program at the hospital a few blocks away. I was also given a note by the doctor that I didn’t have to go back to work for three days. I got home,made the call, and got my appointment with intake for two days away, Wednesday.
After a day and half of relief at not going to work and yet misery in depression, I made it to two appointments that Wednesday. I saw my primary care doctor who doubled my dose of anti-depressant, and I went to intake for the mental health program at the hospital. I was to start the program there the next day, Thursday, at nine in the morning. And I was to go on disability so I would not have to go back to work for a couple months.
The next two weeks was a routine of making it to the program at nine a.m. Monday through Friday. The first fifty minutes included a guided visualization to bring us into the moment of being there each morning and a check-in for each of us in which we answered such questions as what level was our mood (on a scale from one to ten), have we taken our medications as directed, and what topics did we want to bring up in group that day.
After a ten minute break, the ten o’clock class was a group process class with the therapist in which we would discuss our topics and jump in with comments, examples, or advice as needed. It was a fantastic place to work through the problems that beset us.
At eleven in the morning, we had our class. The therapist would go over our thought processes and how to change our way of thinking and looking at things by using cognitive behavioral therapy.
We got an hour lunch, then another process group, and then one more class, often in dialectical behavioral therapy. We were done by three in the afternoon.
After two weeks of this routine, in which we also developed goals and worked through the problems we were dealing with, I was moved to half-day, which meant I was out at noon. I had three weeks of half-days.
Also, throughout this time, I would occasionally be pulled out to be seen by the nurse, or one of the therapists, or the psychiatrist I was assigned to while in the program. We fine-tuned my medications, and I was glad to only need two (and one, to help me with sleeping, is only temporary).
I bonded with everyone in the program. We had people dealing with depression, schizo-affective disorder, bipolar, post-traumatic stress, and anxiety. I was amazed how I would click with someone I never would have thought I would. Many of the other folks were dealing with vocational stress, and we all supported each other. I was able to help others while getting help myself. And, slowly, I started to get my energy back. Things no longer seemed so overwhelming. I felt I could start looking for work again, since I knew I did not want to go back to the hardware store. And I did. But even better, I started to look at what I wanted a new career to be. I was not happy in retail. I didn’t feel creative at all, and I needed a career that either gave me that creativity or allowed me to feel as though I was contributing to society in some meaningful way.
Now that I was ready to start facing the world again, I thought about how I was touched by mental illness so much in my life. So many of my friends and family suffer from depression, manic depression, and chemical dependency. I’d like to help people dealing with these issues. I considered becoming a therapist, but I also knew I wanted a career where I could make some real money, and if I just went that extra step, I could be both therapist and doctor. Only about one percent of psychiatrists also do therapy, but I could be one of those. Or, at the very least, I could be a doctor with a little more “heart” than some of the psychiatrists I’d met over the years. I always loved science, though the last such class I’d had was astronomy twenty-two years ago. But with my new energy, I realized I could go back to school, get my science prerequisites, and apply to medical school. I can be a psychiatrist by the time I’m fifty-one. And, while I complete my prerequisites, I need a job that’s truly nine to five and still pays well. Well, by golly, I have one. At the hardware store. Instead of looking at it as being stuck in a demotion, I now look at it as choosing the job that gives me the money and time to get to med school.
I graduated from the therapy program today. I received a bright yellow certificate that states I completed the process. Everyone in the group spoke up and mentioned how I’d inspired them. They loved my smile and my laugh and my positive temperament. They hope to be in that same mental place when they graduate. I told them they will be. Everyone I’d seen graduate before me was in a better mental state than when they arrived. The program works.
I have the tools, now, to put up needed boundaries and put myself first so that I can truly help others. I know how to talk myself out of negative thoughts. I know how to take baby steps to not allow myself to feel overwhelmed. I know how to say “no.” I’m excited to begin a new journey in my life. While I will miss acting, as I won’t have the time to do so while preparing for and being in med school, I know I’ll get back to it after I graduate with twice the passion for it as I have now. And, more importantly, I have a new career ahead of me. It’s a fantastic one.
This will get me mostly up-to-date as of January, 2012. A new discovery:
I have depression. It tends to flair up after very justified crises, but it hits hard and fast when it does. As each crisis hits, I got a little more “down” until I finally hit my bottom.
Twice before (divorce, job loss), I was depressed enough that I took an antidepressant until I felt well enough to go off of it and continue my life without depression. But all it took was one more crisis to throw me back into the depths of sadness.
For the most part, I’ve not quite been myself for the last couple years. I’ve performed as an actress in a few fantastic shows, gotten involved in bicycling when I was unemployed, and then found a job as an associate merchant for a hardware store. I thought that last one was a good thing. But my mind played tricks on me.
Setting the stage: I wanted to be a professional actress since I was in first grade. I majored in acting in college, moved to Los Angeles, and went to acting school. While I did not break into professional acting, I did do well on my “day job” working as a merchandising assistant in the toys department of a large company and loved the idea of staying in merchandising and getting to be the merchant who gets to choose which toys to make and put on shelves each quarter. Sadly, the company I was working for was sold to another company, and this new company moved me over to the sourcing department as a production manager. I made sure the toys were made on time and to the right specifications and reported directly to the buyer. There was no creativity in this job, and I tried repeatedly to move to a different area where I could be more creative. I thought that talking with the HR department would be a “team work” thing where a good employee could have assistance in switching to a new department. I guess I was wrong.
The problem was that I was very good in my job as a production manager. I ended up moving to the the table top and home decor department and helped train all the other production managers. I was the computer super-user, and several buyers mentioned they’d love to have me as their production manager. And when the company was sold again, back to the original company, I was so excited to be moving there where I thought I’d have those opportunities again. Instead, because of my previous discussions with HR about switching departments, I was part of the first wave of employees laid off in the game of merging companies.
So after trying to find work in a difficult economy and moving back home with my mom to save some money on unemployment, I finally got a job as an associate buyer in the merchandising department at a hardware store. I thought I’d get to do what I’d wanted to do back in the old company and learn to be a merchant. Instead, I realized this company offered no real training. They just throw you in and hope you learn. I did pretty well with this, thought I was certainly frustrated. I also realized I was not as passionate about hardware as I was for toys or housewares. But I worked my butt off when we opened a new store, staying as late as I needed to and killing my feet walking on the cement floors all day trying to load the store shelves in the two-and-a-half weeks we’d been given before opening. About two weeks after opening, I was told the company was removing the position of associate buyer, and I had a choice to take a demotion to a merchandising assistant position or leave the company. In this economy, I knew I could not quit my job. All my friends and family echoed this sentiment. But I had one last hope: I had applied for a position in the new global sourcing department. Sourcing was now my area of confidence as I’d been doing that for the last four years of my last job. I felt confident that I could get this job, a promotion from the associate position I was being forced to leave.
While all of this job upheaval was going on, I was also dealing with a good friend, my ex-husband, as he spent a year in a manic and depressive state. He attempted suicide twice, and I tried to pull him out of his depression with little success. And right around the time of his second attempt, another friend of mine succeeded in committing suicide. By this time, with my demotion in sight, my depression hit hard and I, too, was feeling suicidal. After a month of dealing with the sadness, I finally saw my doctor and got back on that antidepressant. One thing he said to me was that if I ever felt imminently suicidal, that I should go to the hospital emergency room and tell them so. He asked me to promise him this. I did, but I figured the antidepressant would do its work.
All was not well. It takes a month or so for the medicine to take hold, and in that month I held out hope for that promotion. Then, on a Friday in early November of 2011, I found out that another assistant was leaving and they wanted me to take over her work in addition to mine until they found a replacement. So now I was making less money, had no feelings of accomplishment, and I was supposed to do two jobs. That same day I was told I did not get the promotion as they wanted someone who’d actually travelled to China before. Also, there were still three people working as associate buyers, so obviously they had not gotten rid of the position. But no one ever told me if I did anything wrong. Indeed, they told me I did a great job. But why the demotion?
That weekend passed quickly. I considered taking up an addiction to drugs or alcohol, as other family members have dealt with in the past and present. But my logical mind said that would be worse. I would spend money I didn’t have and feel much worse in moments of clarity. So a slow death by drugging myself was out of the question.
By Monday morning, I was completely distraught. Everyone told me I couldn’t quit. But I couldn’t go in to work, either. I could not put one step over the threshold of my job. I had one thought only: suicide. I was stuck in a job I hated; I no longer felt accomplished in a diminished position; I was making less money so the idea of eventually owning a new car and a new home seemed further away than ever and were a weak attempt of replacing the dream of an acting career, anyway. I had a plan in my head that I would go out to a beautiful hiking spot, very high up, and have a few moments of flight before ending it all. I also knew that I would not do an “attempt” as I’d spend years of anguish living with my ex-husband’s threats and attempts at suicide, and I didn’t want to put my family through that roller coaster.
The good news is that I followed my doctor’s advice. Instead of driving to work that Monday morning, I drove myself to the hospital and told them I had a suicidal plan. It was quiet in the emergency room that morning, and they took me right in. I was asked a bunch of questions for intake. I cried a lot. I was given my own box of tissues and taken back to a bed in the emergency room. A guard was brought in to the outside door of the room to be sure I didn’t hurt myself. They asked me if I had anything dangerous on me, but I had only brought my keys, cell phone, and wallet. So they didn’t have me change out of my clothes, but just let me rest there in the room, with occasional stops in for things like getting my blood to make sure I had no alcohol in my system.
While sitting there on the bed and ruminating about my fate in life and how I had nothing to look forward to, I texted my mother to let her know I was “fine” but in the hospital. Not the best way for me to go about it as I think she still panicked a bit. She drove straight there to be with me while we waited to hear from the doctor. I felt her support more than ever that morning. And, indeed, my whole family rallied round via phone calls and texts. It helped to feel the love.
After a few hours in the hospital, they decided I was dealing well enough that I could be discharged, so I went home with explicit instructions to call the PHP program at the hospital a few blocks away. I was also given a note by the doctor that I didn’t have to go back to work for three days. I got home,made the call, and got my appointment with intake for two days away, Wednesday.
After a day and half of relief at not going to work and yet misery in depression, I made it to two appointments that Wednesday. I saw my primary care doctor who doubled my dose of anti-depressant, and I went to intake for the mental health program at the hospital. I was to start the program there the next day, Thursday, at nine in the morning. And I was to go on disability so I would not have to go back to work for a couple months.
The next two weeks was a routine of making it to the program at nine a.m. Monday through Friday. The first fifty minutes included a guided visualization to bring us into the moment of being there each morning and a check-in for each of us in which we answered such questions as what level was our mood (on a scale from one to ten), have we taken our medications as directed, and what topics did we want to bring up in group that day.
After a ten minute break, the ten o’clock class was a group process class with the therapist in which we would discuss our topics and jump in with comments, examples, or advice as needed. It was a fantastic place to work through the problems that beset us.
At eleven in the morning, we had our class. The therapist would go over our thought processes and how to change our way of thinking and looking at things by using cognitive behavioral therapy.
We got an hour lunch, then another process group, and then one more class, often in dialectical behavioral therapy. We were done by three in the afternoon.
After two weeks of this routine, in which we also developed goals and worked through the problems we were dealing with, I was moved to half-day, which meant I was out at noon. I had three weeks of half-days.
Also, throughout this time, I would occasionally be pulled out to be seen by the nurse, or one of the therapists, or the psychiatrist I was assigned to while in the program. We fine-tuned my medications, and I was glad to only need two (and one, to help me with sleeping, is only temporary).
I bonded with everyone in the program. We had people dealing with depression, schizo-affective disorder, bipolar, post-traumatic stress, and anxiety. I was amazed how I would click with someone I never would have thought I would. Many of the other folks were dealing with vocational stress, and we all supported each other. I was able to help others while getting help myself. And, slowly, I started to get my energy back. Things no longer seemed so overwhelming. I felt I could start looking for work again, since I knew I did not want to go back to the hardware store. And I did. But even better, I started to look at what I wanted a new career to be. I was not happy in retail. I didn’t feel creative at all, and I needed a career that either gave me that creativity or allowed me to feel as though I was contributing to society in some meaningful way.
Now that I was ready to start facing the world again, I thought about how I was touched by mental illness so much in my life. So many of my friends and family suffer from depression, manic depression, and chemical dependency. I’d like to help people dealing with these issues. I considered becoming a therapist, but I also knew I wanted a career where I could make some real money, and if I just went that extra step, I could be both therapist and doctor. Only about one percent of psychiatrists also do therapy, but I could be one of those. Or, at the very least, I could be a doctor with a little more “heart” than some of the psychiatrists I’d met over the years. I always loved science, though the last such class I’d had was astronomy twenty-two years ago. But with my new energy, I realized I could go back to school, get my science prerequisites, and apply to medical school. I can be a psychiatrist by the time I’m fifty-one. And, while I complete my prerequisites, I need a job that’s truly nine to five and still pays well. Well, by golly, I have one. At the hardware store. Instead of looking at it as being stuck in a demotion, I now look at it as choosing the job that gives me the money and time to get to med school.
I graduated from the therapy program today. I received a bright yellow certificate that states I completed the process. Everyone in the group spoke up and mentioned how I’d inspired them. They loved my smile and my laugh and my positive temperament. They hope to be in that same mental place when they graduate. I told them they will be. Everyone I’d seen graduate before me was in a better mental state than when they arrived. The program works.
I have the tools, now, to put up needed boundaries and put myself first so that I can truly help others. I know how to talk myself out of negative thoughts. I know how to take baby steps to not allow myself to feel overwhelmed. I know how to say “no.” I’m excited to begin a new journey in my life. While I will miss acting, as I won’t have the time to do so while preparing for and being in med school, I know I’ll get back to it after I graduate with twice the passion for it as I have now. And, more importantly, I have a new career ahead of me. It’s a fantastic one.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Day 57: I HAVE A JOB!!!
It's been a crazy week. Ashke is doing better, but he's been in the bedroom since I picked him up from the vets on Sunday. I'm making sure he eats and pees and doesn't have another blockage. He picked up a virus at the vets and is sneezing, but I'm keeping an eye out in case he needs more antibiotics. Poor kitty!
Saturday's class at ACTC's Academy went well. I did my talk on nutrition, and I was told I did a good job, so that was nice! I was the sweep for our group, but nothing major happened so I didn't need to hang back with anyone. It's a good group of students, and I can't wait 'til we get on some longer rides. Tomorrow's still up in the air, though, as it may be cancelled if it's raining...
So, Monday I got a call from OSH saying they wanted to move to the next step. They wanted to verify my salary (I faxed my last paycheck from my last job), and check my references. I waited on pins and needles all week, and got a call this morning. I was offered the job of Associate Buyer! Thus ends almost two years of unemployment!!! I'm so excited. But I have to wait until March 15th to start! Sigh. I go in for a drug test on Monday, and they're doing a background check on me. I really, really hope bad credit doesn't nix this job, 'cause I was just in the midst of fixing it when I lost my last job, and I've been barely hanging on for the last two years... I really need this job in order to pay off my bills and get my credit RIGHT for once...so that, just maybe, someday I can own a home...
I've been reading a bunch of plays...ones I want to audition for, and ones related to the one I'm going to be in (THE THREE SISTERS by Anton Chekov). My rehearsals start on March 21st. Yay! March is a busy month for me!
SUMMATION:
Acting - reading plays, working on monologues, getting ready for rehearsals
Bicycling - got my front wheel trued this week, hope the brakes don't rub, looking forward to Academy tomorrow
Cats - Ashke's hanging in there, Starlight & Shala want more attention. Sigh.
Saturday's class at ACTC's Academy went well. I did my talk on nutrition, and I was told I did a good job, so that was nice! I was the sweep for our group, but nothing major happened so I didn't need to hang back with anyone. It's a good group of students, and I can't wait 'til we get on some longer rides. Tomorrow's still up in the air, though, as it may be cancelled if it's raining...
So, Monday I got a call from OSH saying they wanted to move to the next step. They wanted to verify my salary (I faxed my last paycheck from my last job), and check my references. I waited on pins and needles all week, and got a call this morning. I was offered the job of Associate Buyer! Thus ends almost two years of unemployment!!! I'm so excited. But I have to wait until March 15th to start! Sigh. I go in for a drug test on Monday, and they're doing a background check on me. I really, really hope bad credit doesn't nix this job, 'cause I was just in the midst of fixing it when I lost my last job, and I've been barely hanging on for the last two years... I really need this job in order to pay off my bills and get my credit RIGHT for once...so that, just maybe, someday I can own a home...
I've been reading a bunch of plays...ones I want to audition for, and ones related to the one I'm going to be in (THE THREE SISTERS by Anton Chekov). My rehearsals start on March 21st. Yay! March is a busy month for me!
SUMMATION:
Acting - reading plays, working on monologues, getting ready for rehearsals
Bicycling - got my front wheel trued this week, hope the brakes don't rub, looking forward to Academy tomorrow
Cats - Ashke's hanging in there, Starlight & Shala want more attention. Sigh.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Day 50: Sometimes Excitement is Better Left Alone
Well, Wednesday I had my interview at OSH, and I think it went well. I really, really need this job, especially after what happened on Thursday night. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
By Thursday morning we had everything in place for the construction folks to fix our windows and patch some screws in the walls. In order to keep the cats out of the way, I didn't feed them that morning, but put them in their cat carriers in my mom's room, with the door closed, intending to keep them there until my room was finished (having them start on that room first). Well, even before they arrived, Starlight forced the zipper on his carrier and got out. I managed to catch him again and secure the zipper so he wouldn't be able to open it. Then, a little later, Ashke got out. I couldn't figure out how he got out of the two inches or so of space by the zipper, but I put him back in and secured it again...Not much later, he was out again...turns out there was a huge rip in the front of it (in the netting), and he was escaping that way. So I go my old hard-sided carrier out and put him in there. Finally, once my room was done by 10am or so (about 3 hours for the poor hungry kitties in the carriers), I went in to let them out in my room. Shala had gotten out...again with the zipper...sigh. So I put all the kitties, the food, the water, and a litter box in my room. Well, Ashke had gone to the bathroom in his carrier and was wet, so I wiped him down and tried to dry him. I set aside the carrier to wash out. Sigh. Later on, a cat had thrown up, and I suspected Ashke. Poor kitty.
So the day wore on and all the windows and rooms were finally completed and the construction folks left. I let the cats out of my room for their normal free reign in the house. Ashke was listless, just moping on the floor...occasionally moving to a new space. And yowling big time. I couldn't figure it out. I thought if he was the same in the morning, I'd have to take him to the vet. Well, a few hours later, he seemed worse. He also felt cold. Then he stood up and started walking around 8pm, and he was stumbling...looking as if he was drunk. That did it. I went to the computer and found an emergency animal hospital near Oakridge mall. Even though my mom and I were exhausted from dealing with the furniture and the blinds, we hopped in the car, and my mom drove me to the hospital. It turns out Ashke's bladder was blocked, and he wouldn't have lived until morning. They had to immediately put in a catheter and did a myriad of blood tests and had to hydrate him constantly with fluids. It turns out this is likely the most painful experience a male cat can go through...and the most common culprit is cheap cat foods. Being unemployed with a few cats, I did feed my cats Friskies and Cat Chow. I guess that's some bad stuff for neutered male cats. Sigh.
So, there I am freaking out because the cost is $650 just for them to start doing something. My mom lets me use the joint card she gave me for emergencies...then they examine him and I get the estimate for the night...in the end it was about $1100.00 for the overnight visit...then I had to transfer him to the regular vet at 7am this morning...and pick him up to take him back to the emergency vet tonight at 6pm. About $260 at the regular vet, and a quote of between $555 and another $1100 for Ashke to stay either 'til tomorrow night or, worst case, Sunday morning. Let's hope it's the $555. My mother said she didn't think I could afford to fix my cat. But my ex-husband, who I finally got on the phone, said he'd give up his entire savings of $1700 if I needed it to save my cat. Even though it meant he might not be able to move out when he'd planned. Until he'd said that, I'd seriously considered putting my cat to sleep because of the cost and my unemployment. No one should ever be forced to make that decision, and it's disgusting to me that animals are treated this way (oh, but humans aren't). Arrgh. I would make monthly payments to pay off a bill, but, I guess because there are stupid people out there with animals who really don't care about them, too many people default on vet bills, so vets no longer accept monthly payments. So, the upshot is that there's a good chance Ashke will be fine, and I'll have to pay for premium healthy cat food for all three of my cats (since I know I won't be able to keep them each to their own dishes). So, I really, really need this job!
Shala and Starlight seem to be missing Ashke. They've been wanting more cuddle time today. I miss Ashke at home, too. :(
In the midst of all this, I'm supposed to give a presentation on nutrition tomorrow at the ACTC bicycling Academy...and I've hardly prepared...I think this is gonna be a mess. Sigh.
Well, I'm heading off for now. I need some sleep if I have to get up at 6am to prepare for the Academy in the morning.
SUMMATION:
Acting - nothing today...focused on cat and presentation
Bicycling - prepped presentation on nutrition
Cats - Ashke's sick. Come home soon!
By Thursday morning we had everything in place for the construction folks to fix our windows and patch some screws in the walls. In order to keep the cats out of the way, I didn't feed them that morning, but put them in their cat carriers in my mom's room, with the door closed, intending to keep them there until my room was finished (having them start on that room first). Well, even before they arrived, Starlight forced the zipper on his carrier and got out. I managed to catch him again and secure the zipper so he wouldn't be able to open it. Then, a little later, Ashke got out. I couldn't figure out how he got out of the two inches or so of space by the zipper, but I put him back in and secured it again...Not much later, he was out again...turns out there was a huge rip in the front of it (in the netting), and he was escaping that way. So I go my old hard-sided carrier out and put him in there. Finally, once my room was done by 10am or so (about 3 hours for the poor hungry kitties in the carriers), I went in to let them out in my room. Shala had gotten out...again with the zipper...sigh. So I put all the kitties, the food, the water, and a litter box in my room. Well, Ashke had gone to the bathroom in his carrier and was wet, so I wiped him down and tried to dry him. I set aside the carrier to wash out. Sigh. Later on, a cat had thrown up, and I suspected Ashke. Poor kitty.
So the day wore on and all the windows and rooms were finally completed and the construction folks left. I let the cats out of my room for their normal free reign in the house. Ashke was listless, just moping on the floor...occasionally moving to a new space. And yowling big time. I couldn't figure it out. I thought if he was the same in the morning, I'd have to take him to the vet. Well, a few hours later, he seemed worse. He also felt cold. Then he stood up and started walking around 8pm, and he was stumbling...looking as if he was drunk. That did it. I went to the computer and found an emergency animal hospital near Oakridge mall. Even though my mom and I were exhausted from dealing with the furniture and the blinds, we hopped in the car, and my mom drove me to the hospital. It turns out Ashke's bladder was blocked, and he wouldn't have lived until morning. They had to immediately put in a catheter and did a myriad of blood tests and had to hydrate him constantly with fluids. It turns out this is likely the most painful experience a male cat can go through...and the most common culprit is cheap cat foods. Being unemployed with a few cats, I did feed my cats Friskies and Cat Chow. I guess that's some bad stuff for neutered male cats. Sigh.
So, there I am freaking out because the cost is $650 just for them to start doing something. My mom lets me use the joint card she gave me for emergencies...then they examine him and I get the estimate for the night...in the end it was about $1100.00 for the overnight visit...then I had to transfer him to the regular vet at 7am this morning...and pick him up to take him back to the emergency vet tonight at 6pm. About $260 at the regular vet, and a quote of between $555 and another $1100 for Ashke to stay either 'til tomorrow night or, worst case, Sunday morning. Let's hope it's the $555. My mother said she didn't think I could afford to fix my cat. But my ex-husband, who I finally got on the phone, said he'd give up his entire savings of $1700 if I needed it to save my cat. Even though it meant he might not be able to move out when he'd planned. Until he'd said that, I'd seriously considered putting my cat to sleep because of the cost and my unemployment. No one should ever be forced to make that decision, and it's disgusting to me that animals are treated this way (oh, but humans aren't). Arrgh. I would make monthly payments to pay off a bill, but, I guess because there are stupid people out there with animals who really don't care about them, too many people default on vet bills, so vets no longer accept monthly payments. So, the upshot is that there's a good chance Ashke will be fine, and I'll have to pay for premium healthy cat food for all three of my cats (since I know I won't be able to keep them each to their own dishes). So, I really, really need this job!
Shala and Starlight seem to be missing Ashke. They've been wanting more cuddle time today. I miss Ashke at home, too. :(
In the midst of all this, I'm supposed to give a presentation on nutrition tomorrow at the ACTC bicycling Academy...and I've hardly prepared...I think this is gonna be a mess. Sigh.
Well, I'm heading off for now. I need some sleep if I have to get up at 6am to prepare for the Academy in the morning.
SUMMATION:
Acting - nothing today...focused on cat and presentation
Bicycling - prepped presentation on nutrition
Cats - Ashke's sick. Come home soon!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Day 46: Another OSH Interview Scheduled!
I got a call today to come in for one more interview at Orchard Supply Hardware on Wednesday. I'm excited and hoping it goes well!
These last few days were a flurry. Friday I participated in Bindlepunks' PULLED FROM THE SACK, a 24 hour play festival. I met with a bunch of writers at 8pm, and we had until 4am to finish our short plays (five to ten minutes long). I wrote one seven page play and trashed it (rambling, no real point to it), then wrote a second seven page play. I finished fairly early and was able to nap for about three hours, though all the conversations around me sort of intruded on any kind of a good sleep. :)
At 4am, the directors came in, went into another room, and read all the plays. They chose eight total. Mine was one of them. :D We had a break of an hour or so before auditions.
At 8am, the actors gathered. We had all been emailed a selection of monologues the morning before. So we went in, one by one, and did our chosen monologues (paper in hand). Four of us had chosen one monologue, and we were asked if we could come back and do another or do one we already had. They wanted to see more drama. I did my "Supermother" monologue from BUG by Tracy Letts.
The directors then came into the room and told us their casting. I was put into two plays. The first was POINT OF VIEW by Suzanne Birrell (a RASHOMON-style plot wherein the same story is told three times, each from the point of view of the person setting up the story). The second play was HURT by Brent Beebe, about an abused woman who learns how to stand up to her husband in an unconventional way.
I had the same director for both plays, Janice L. Wessner, and she was fantastic. She took specific approaches to both plays as the subject matter demanded. I had a great experience working with her.
My play, PAVLOV'S VISIT TO SHROEDINGER'S WORLD, was well-directed by Eric Hayes. It starred Bora "Max" Koknar as Dog, Clara Sao as Cat, Brent Beebe as Scientist 1 and Victoria Ann Spencer as Scientist 2. They all did a fantastic job of bringing the script to life. And it was so exciting to see something I had written being performed live that very night!
We had a paper tech rehearsal around 6 or 7pm, then we had about two hours to grab dinner and get up to the Dragon Theatre in Palo Alto by 10:45pm. Curtain was at 11:30. I freaked out a bit when I realize my lines hadn't been cut and taped into my prop book for the first play, but I ended up tearing up my script and placing it inside. It worked well. I wanted to memorize both plays, but as difficult as it is to memorize in one day, it's even harder on lack of sleep! For the second play, I rewrote my lines (and cues) on index cards. That worked wonderfully. By 1:15am or so, the show was done. I got to go home and sleep. I was in bed by 2:15am. I woke up at 11:30am on Sunday, still tired and very, very sore. For HURT, I had to get shoved onto the ground twice, and was well taught by fight choreographer Michael Daw. Unfortunately, I practiced this fall a LOT. Sunday morning I woke up and felt like I'd gone to the gym and did thirty push-ups (hey, I haven't done any in a couple months), and a billion lunges (mostly on my right leg). Here it is, Monday evening, and I'm still sore! That said, I want to get to the gym this week and keep the strength building, since I've already done the preliminary soreness bit. :-)
All in all, I had a fantastic experience!
In addition, I found out on Sunday that I've been cast in ANTON IN SHOW BUSINESS at Dragon Productions (the same theatre I did PULLED FROM THE SACK at). Hooray! We start rehearsals in March. :D
Today I managed to vacuum around some of our windows. The construction people are coming out Thursday to clean up the insides of our house that were damaged (minorly), and we need to have all of our stuff moved five feet from the windows. So we're gonna be busy moving stuff the next few days.
My mom treated me out to Bella Mia in downtown San Jose for lunch. Yum.
Well, I'm off to the store for a new binder to put ANTON IN SHOW BUSINESS in as well as my print-out of Anton Chekov's THE THREE SISTERS since that's the "play within the play" we'll be working on. :D
SUMMATION:
Acting - Two short plays done on Saturday night, just cast in ANTON IN SHOW BUSINESS
Bicycling - My sore muscles kept me from getting on my bike this morning. Hopefully tomorrow!
Cats - Missed me on Saturday, but their back to the "usual" today!
These last few days were a flurry. Friday I participated in Bindlepunks' PULLED FROM THE SACK, a 24 hour play festival. I met with a bunch of writers at 8pm, and we had until 4am to finish our short plays (five to ten minutes long). I wrote one seven page play and trashed it (rambling, no real point to it), then wrote a second seven page play. I finished fairly early and was able to nap for about three hours, though all the conversations around me sort of intruded on any kind of a good sleep. :)
At 4am, the directors came in, went into another room, and read all the plays. They chose eight total. Mine was one of them. :D We had a break of an hour or so before auditions.
At 8am, the actors gathered. We had all been emailed a selection of monologues the morning before. So we went in, one by one, and did our chosen monologues (paper in hand). Four of us had chosen one monologue, and we were asked if we could come back and do another or do one we already had. They wanted to see more drama. I did my "Supermother" monologue from BUG by Tracy Letts.
The directors then came into the room and told us their casting. I was put into two plays. The first was POINT OF VIEW by Suzanne Birrell (a RASHOMON-style plot wherein the same story is told three times, each from the point of view of the person setting up the story). The second play was HURT by Brent Beebe, about an abused woman who learns how to stand up to her husband in an unconventional way.
I had the same director for both plays, Janice L. Wessner, and she was fantastic. She took specific approaches to both plays as the subject matter demanded. I had a great experience working with her.
My play, PAVLOV'S VISIT TO SHROEDINGER'S WORLD, was well-directed by Eric Hayes. It starred Bora "Max" Koknar as Dog, Clara Sao as Cat, Brent Beebe as Scientist 1 and Victoria Ann Spencer as Scientist 2. They all did a fantastic job of bringing the script to life. And it was so exciting to see something I had written being performed live that very night!
We had a paper tech rehearsal around 6 or 7pm, then we had about two hours to grab dinner and get up to the Dragon Theatre in Palo Alto by 10:45pm. Curtain was at 11:30. I freaked out a bit when I realize my lines hadn't been cut and taped into my prop book for the first play, but I ended up tearing up my script and placing it inside. It worked well. I wanted to memorize both plays, but as difficult as it is to memorize in one day, it's even harder on lack of sleep! For the second play, I rewrote my lines (and cues) on index cards. That worked wonderfully. By 1:15am or so, the show was done. I got to go home and sleep. I was in bed by 2:15am. I woke up at 11:30am on Sunday, still tired and very, very sore. For HURT, I had to get shoved onto the ground twice, and was well taught by fight choreographer Michael Daw. Unfortunately, I practiced this fall a LOT. Sunday morning I woke up and felt like I'd gone to the gym and did thirty push-ups (hey, I haven't done any in a couple months), and a billion lunges (mostly on my right leg). Here it is, Monday evening, and I'm still sore! That said, I want to get to the gym this week and keep the strength building, since I've already done the preliminary soreness bit. :-)
All in all, I had a fantastic experience!
In addition, I found out on Sunday that I've been cast in ANTON IN SHOW BUSINESS at Dragon Productions (the same theatre I did PULLED FROM THE SACK at). Hooray! We start rehearsals in March. :D
Today I managed to vacuum around some of our windows. The construction people are coming out Thursday to clean up the insides of our house that were damaged (minorly), and we need to have all of our stuff moved five feet from the windows. So we're gonna be busy moving stuff the next few days.
My mom treated me out to Bella Mia in downtown San Jose for lunch. Yum.
Well, I'm off to the store for a new binder to put ANTON IN SHOW BUSINESS in as well as my print-out of Anton Chekov's THE THREE SISTERS since that's the "play within the play" we'll be working on. :D
SUMMATION:
Acting - Two short plays done on Saturday night, just cast in ANTON IN SHOW BUSINESS
Bicycling - My sore muscles kept me from getting on my bike this morning. Hopefully tomorrow!
Cats - Missed me on Saturday, but their back to the "usual" today!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Day 42: Interview at OSH
So today I interviewed at Orchard Supply Hardware for the Associate Buyer position. This was the first time in a long while where I had the usual "interview questions"; so it was a challenge since I've not been working for two years. I had to reach far back in my memory to help me answer some of those questions. I hope I did okay. I really, really want this job and think I'd be the ideal candidate for it. Plus, you just can't beat the enthusiasm of someone unemployed for two years with a last unemployment check merely three weeks away! While seemingly desperate (okay, I am, a little), I'm far more enthusiastic. I just hope they hire me so I can show them how right they were in doing so! They will not be disappointed in the least!
I mailed off my registration for the Cinderella Classic. Hopefully I'm one of the first 2,500 women, since that's all they have room for. And I hope to be able to either purchase or borrow a lighter bike so I can complete the "Challenge" ride. :)
I worked on my monologues and my screenplay for a bit today...
And I saw A SERIOUS MAN on DVD. It's up for a best picture Oscar. I only have two more best picture nominees to see before the Academy Awards! I really enjoyed A SERIOUS MAN. It was well done: poignant, funny, sad. Much like life. Definitely worth seeing, and, I think, a good contender for best picture! Though I'm pretty sure AVATAR is gonna walk away with it...
SUMMATION:
Acting - monologues and script
Bicycling - sent off CC registration. Now I HAVE to be in shape by April 10th.
Cats - Submitted Starlight for the Bissell contest this next week. Vote for him between February 12th thru 18th at http://mvp.bissell.com/mvp_PetDetail.aspx?id=8590012858
Ciao,
Jennifer
I mailed off my registration for the Cinderella Classic. Hopefully I'm one of the first 2,500 women, since that's all they have room for. And I hope to be able to either purchase or borrow a lighter bike so I can complete the "Challenge" ride. :)
I worked on my monologues and my screenplay for a bit today...
And I saw A SERIOUS MAN on DVD. It's up for a best picture Oscar. I only have two more best picture nominees to see before the Academy Awards! I really enjoyed A SERIOUS MAN. It was well done: poignant, funny, sad. Much like life. Definitely worth seeing, and, I think, a good contender for best picture! Though I'm pretty sure AVATAR is gonna walk away with it...
SUMMATION:
Acting - monologues and script
Bicycling - sent off CC registration. Now I HAVE to be in shape by April 10th.
Cats - Submitted Starlight for the Bissell contest this next week. Vote for him between February 12th thru 18th at http://mvp.bissell.com/mvp_PetDetail.aspx?id=8590012858
Ciao,
Jennifer
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Day 41: Signing up for Cinderella
So I got my registration form for the 2010 Cinderella Classic & Challenge bike ride. I'm sending it back first thing in the morning. I'd LOVE to do the challenge, but that will only happen if I get a lighter bike by April 1st. If not, I'll just do the metric century ride, which I know I can do since I've done three rides metric century or more in the last year. :)
I caught up on a lot of TV shows and a couple movies on DVD today. I also worked on my monologues, but I'm having a hard time memorizing this week. Arrgh.
I haven't heard, yet, about ANTON IN SHOW BUSINESS. But I'm excited about Bindlepunks: Pulled from the sack this Saturday night. Well, Friday night I write a play, and then Saturday I get to perform (if I get cast in one of the eight plays). And 11:30 pm we perform the plays at the Dragon Theatre in Palo Alto. If you want something fun to do on a Saturday the 13th, stop by and watch the show!
I'm nervous about my interview at OSH tomorrow. I'd really like to work for their company. They have honesty & integrity listed among their core values! I think we'd be a great match. :)
Well, I'm going to work on my screenplay and finish catching up on my shows.
SUMMATION:
Acting - monologue-memorizing
Bicycling - signing up for Cinderella Classic...I better start getting more rides in!
Cats - Shala's curled up on a chair next to me. :)
I caught up on a lot of TV shows and a couple movies on DVD today. I also worked on my monologues, but I'm having a hard time memorizing this week. Arrgh.
I haven't heard, yet, about ANTON IN SHOW BUSINESS. But I'm excited about Bindlepunks: Pulled from the sack this Saturday night. Well, Friday night I write a play, and then Saturday I get to perform (if I get cast in one of the eight plays). And 11:30 pm we perform the plays at the Dragon Theatre in Palo Alto. If you want something fun to do on a Saturday the 13th, stop by and watch the show!
I'm nervous about my interview at OSH tomorrow. I'd really like to work for their company. They have honesty & integrity listed among their core values! I think we'd be a great match. :)
Well, I'm going to work on my screenplay and finish catching up on my shows.
SUMMATION:
Acting - monologue-memorizing
Bicycling - signing up for Cinderella Classic...I better start getting more rides in!
Cats - Shala's curled up on a chair next to me. :)
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